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Front Cover
A must read for parents of children who have been sexually abused by anyone.
It will give you a window into their world. See the effects from their side.
This book will help people of any age who have been sexually abused.
Chapter Summaries:
Chapter 1 - Dear God    Chapter 2 - Childhood    Chapter 3 - Dinner in the Bailey Household    Chapter 4 - Triggers    Chapter 5 - Disclosure to my Family   
Chapter 6 - Disclosure to my Children    Chapter 7 - Safe    Chapter 8 - Raping my Innocence from me    Chapter 9 - Dreams or Fade to Black?   
Chapter 10 - Put it Behind You    Chapter 11 - There was something special about my wife, Sue    Chapter 12 - Fathers    Chapter 13 - Dear Mom   
Chapter 14 - My Time on the Cross (original title)   Chapter 15 - Choices   Chapter 16 - Get Professional Help   Chapter 17 - Come out, Come out wherever you are
Chapter 18 - Introduction to Sex    Chapter 19 - Relationship Development with the opposite sex    Chapter 20 - Increased Support From Unexpected Places    Chapter 21 - Denver - SNAP    Chapter 22 - Speak up    Chapter 23 - On the Edge    Chapter 24 - Healing Services    Chapter 25 - Guilt   
Chapter 26 - God, Church, Prayer and the Evil Priests    Chapter 27 - The Voyage from Victim to Survivor    Chapter 28 - How Support Helps   
Chapter 29 - Where I am Today    Chapter 30 - Sue asks about shattered beliefs    Chapter 31 - 34 Years of marriage to a man I thought I knew   
Chapter 32 - The Final Chapter "Death of Alleged abuser"

Chapter 1 - Dear God

Dear God was written by a fifty three year old man speaking to God who became the terrified ten year old boy of the past. It is a very strong chapter and has had exceptional response to those I have read it to. It deals with the raw fear and hurt that was ruthlessly thrown upon me by a supposedly holy man of God.

Chapter 2 - Childhood

This chapter brings you inside the life of my family and its' structure. The base I had and the connection I needed to make as a boy. The fake persona I took on to protect my family from my pain. The pressures I had to overcome to live day by day.

Chapter 3 - Dinner in the Bailey Household

This was always the main event of the day. The only time all seven of us were together at the table. We always had the meat, vegetables and dessert routine. I would sit and listen to my siblings and parents as they spoke, sponging up all the good they talked about in order to review it in my head at bedtime, in hopes of sleeping that night.

Chapter 4 - Triggers

Triggers are about the lack of control we have as to what and when they are. They can be a simple smell, a taste in the air, a noise, a touch from a loved one or anyone, a sight or even a shadow that resembles a shape, the sound of a car horn, the pattern on a sofa or drapes, something physical, an ache or pain and you are instantly back to the child being abused yet again, in my case, from someone no longer among the living.

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Chapter 5 - Disclosure to my Family

This is about telling my wife, siblings, mother and the effects this new found knowledge had on the family. The surprising reaction of the most devoted Catholic of my siblings. The collateral damage caused by my abuser and seeing the pain in their eyes and hearts.

Chapter 6 - Disclosure to my Children

This is about my being their protector. I am the man of steel; no harm can come their way. Will they think I am weak? Will they think I am dirty? Will they be disgusted by me? Will they be repulsed? I am sweating, shaking, is this the right thing to do? No, Yes, No, Yes. I tell them and am humbled by their responses.

Chapter 7 - Safe

When I say safe it brings the ideas of being warm, comfortable, secure, protected from harm. I was safe. I felt safe until that sunny day in 1961. The chapter details how unsafe you are when someone violates you. Especially in your own home where every child deserves to be safe.

Chapter 8 - Raping my innocence from me

This details a fifty three year old and the ten year old child whose youth, innocence, and love of life was ripped from him in minutes. Yet he keeps looking for help, any help, or an exit to leave, maybe even this earth.

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Chapter 9 - Dreams or fade to Black?

Will I really die in my sleep as my night terrors kill me in detail? Will I wake up in the morning this time? Is there any light at the end of the tunnel or are we programmed to believe there is? Some may have to skip this chapter. Travel with me from dreams to nightmares to night terrors; welcome to my world, there are no rules, no boundaries, no limits.

Chapter 10 - Put it behind you

This chapter gives insight into the lack of compassion people show when they say this to you. I would not want anyone to even put my shoes on much less walk a mile in them. The "chosen" ignorance displayed by these people is their defense mechanism. If they knew, then they would have to face it. "Put it behind you", "It was so long ago", Just forget about it", "Move on". All words of a non-victim. I would love to forget it; don't they think we would if we could?

Chapter 11 - There was something special about my wife, Sue

Growing up near each other and knowing each other through mutual friends over the years came to marriage thirty three years ago. We would catch each others glance from a distance and both felt a connection which we didn't act on. I admired her from afar and she felt the undeniable connection too as our paths crossed in the grocery store shortly before we began dating. She is my true soul mate, my wife, my lover.

Chapter 12 - Fathers

While both of our dads died before I disclosed my abuse, I know I was blessed by my dad and my father in law. They both excelled in their own world and were mountains of strength. I strived to grow in their shadows and often wonder what they would have said.

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Chapter 13 - Dear Mom

This is the little boy and now adult man that asks why did she not see? Was her faith more blinded by faith than blind faith? Was I somehow sacrificed for the greater good of being the son who was to become the family priest? Could she not read it in my eyes, my tears? Dear mom are you there? Was she victim of her faith? Could she not fathom the possibility of his abuse?

Chapter 14 - My Time on the Cross (original title)

This is about my meetings with the bishop and how God too was taken from me and how do I close the gap between myself and God. Oddly enough, I came up with the title for the book at one of my meetings with our local bishop. I told him how I would look up at the crucifix hanging over the head of my bed as I was being raped and saw Jesus, nailed there, sword mark in His side. I know He suffered terrible but I too was suffering. The bishop said that that was my time on the cross.

Chapter 15 - Choices

Choices are the endless list of our daily life and how we spend our time. Even no choice is really a choice. When we do nothing that is a choice. We need to do the right things and help others in addition to ourselves. Happiness is a choice. We need to soak in the good around us. God gave us many things to enjoy. Happiness does not just happen, we must embrace it, include it, claim it. Many times the hardest choice you will ever make is to do the right thing. It is way too easy to sit back and wait for someone else to help.

Chapter 16 - Get Professional Help

This is not an option, rather it is mandatory. You cannot heal yourself without professional help. They have the emotional tools to aid your recovery from victim to survivor. They know how and when to ask, and how far to take you each session. It has taken me over three years to let go of my misplaced guilt.

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Chapter 17 - Come out, come out wherever you are

The shame, embarrassment, false guilt we harbor keeps us in a dark place. We need to step into the light to begin our journey to be the person we deserve to be. It is a little like hide and seek. When you reflect on being sexually abused by a priest. They toyed with us. It is a twisted game they played. We were there prey or reward or treat as they violated us. With no sense of remorse. They deserve no respect, no reverence, and no tolerance when they abuse child.

Chapter 18 - Introduction to Sex

A tough read. I believe non-victims grow up wondering about their sexuality and the "first time". Unfortunately it is not so for me and my fellow victims. We did terrible sexual things at an age so young we didn't even know it was sex. At age ten all I knew about sex was how to spell it. The first encounter was something I should have never experienced, at age ten much less from a man of God. It describes my fight to understand why and what do I do with that knowledge.

Chapter 19 - Relationship Development with the opposite sex

Follow me as I find my way through the emotional maturity of loving the opposite sex and the associated insecurities that are normal to most.

Chapter 20 - Increased Support From Unexpected Places

This chapter details that law enforcement is thirsting for knowledge of this heinous behavior and how to work together to save children.

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Chapter 21 - Denver - SNAP 2004

This was my first contact with hundreds of fellow victims and the connection I felt. It was helpful to know I was not alone, but at the same time so very sad we exist. It details the overpowering feelings of hurt, of damage that these priests commit. How it followed me to my room and was brought to tears in the shower about maybe I too should go down the drain as my tears did along with the shower water. Barbara Blaine, the founder of SNAP detailed her life and her goals for us. She details how together we can and will protect children, and will settle for nothing less. There truly is strength in numbers.

Chapter 22 - On the Edge

Where I grew up faster than my numbered years. What was your childhood like? Were you with me on the edge or one of those fortunate ones? The ones who felt the unbridled excitement of today's game you just won? What was that excitement like? What is the key to being in? Or truly feel a part of things? I still view many things from the edge today.

Chapter 23 - Speak up

Share what happened to you. There are concerned lay people out there. They grow in numbers daily and validate your hurt. There are many that want more from their church and you can provide them the knowledge to effect change.

Chapter 24 - Healing Services

This chapter details my experience at a "Healing Service" as the church calls them. You will see how difficult it is to even be in a Catholic Church. How the location should not be in the church proper.

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Chapter 25 - Guilt

This chapter details the guilt, regret and forgiveness, and how I view each.

Chapter 26 - God, Church, Prayer and the Evil Priests

Sounds like a mouthful, just in the title, doesn't it? The first three get damaged, sometimes forever by the last. The first three make for a good life. The fourth makes you question the first three.

Chapter 27 - The Voyage from Victim to Survivor

My journey from victim to survivor; it is long and difficult. Each inch is hard. I can only go forward by looking back. This chapter is about that journey.

Chapter 28 - How Support Helps

This chapter documents the base which helps me day to day. My family and others who truly care support me unconditionally and helps me to be a whole person.

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Chapter 29 - Where I am Today

This chapter is about my recovery. At times I do admit to looking over my shoulder and seeing the victim behind me and look forward to see survivor status. With each look back the victim is shrinking in size, while looking forward I get ever nearer survivor status.

Chapter 30 - My wife asks about shattered beliefs

This chapter addresses the Catholic upbringing of my wife laid against the cold hard truths of clergy abuse and how it impacts her belief structure.

Chapter 31 - 34 Years of marriage to a man I thought I knew

This chapter is about a man and a woman so close they had no secrets from each other. That is until the day the dam broke and years of pain came flowing out. Sue's feelings of betrayal by the Catholic Church and by me for hiding this from her.

Chapter 32 - The Final Chapter - Death of Alleged Abuser

This chapter tells of my visiting his grave site and the relief I felt that not one more child would he harm. His reign of terror was truly over and he had to answer to God for what he did in His name. And the belief that the others who covered up his trail will also have to stand before God and account for their actions.

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In the Shadow of the Cross - Copyright 2005 by Charles L. Bailey, Jr.
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reprinted or reproduced or utilized in any form or by any electronic, mechanical, or other means, now known or hereafter invented, including photocopying and recording, or in any information storage or retrieval system, without permission in writing from the Author.

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